Mourner Support

The First Year of Mourning

Jewish tradition recognizes several stages of mourning, starting immediately after the death of a loved one. Each stage reflects the emotional phases involved in mourning and incorporates rituals that support and comfort the bereaved.

• Aninut: This is the period that starts with the death itself and continues through the funeral. It is seen as a time for the family to focus on making plans for the funeral or memorial service, burial, and other arrangements. There is no expectation that the family will take part in prayer services or receive condolence calls.

• Shiva: This is the seven-day period following burial when the bereaved remain at home, receiving friends and relatives who come to offer their condolences and comfort. You will often hear the phrase “sitting shiva” to describe this practice. Note that some people choose to observe shiva for shorter periods of time, or choose to receive family and friends only on the first day of shiva.
  
  Traditionally, shiva is observed by seven relatives: the father, mother, brother, sister, son, daughter, or spouse. If practical, shiva is held in the home of the deceased.

  Following the end of shiva, mourners begin to resume their lives, but in restricted ways. For example, while they can leave the home and begin to work again, they avoid festive activities.

  You can learn more about the traditional rituals and practices associated with shiva.

• Sheloshim: This refers to the first 30 days of mourning, starting with the funeral and including the shiva period. Sheloshim is the Hebrew word for “thirty.”

  Sheloshim is a period of transition between being completely enveloped by sadness and beginning to emerge back into the world. The outward signs of sheloshim—which include not shaving or cutting one’s hair—are reminders to others that the grieving period is not over.

  During this period family members typically recite the Kaddish once a day at a synagogue that holds minyans—daily prayers held in the morning (Shacharit), late afternoon (Mincha), and evening (Ma’ariv). Often, the afternoon and evening prayers are combined. We have created a list of Bay Area minyans, but it is always best to call a synagogue to confirm times and locations.

  If you have any questions about a minyan—e.g., if you have concerns about participating in one or are not familiar with the meaning of this tradition or with the service itself—please contact your rabbi, or contact Sinai’s Mourner Care Program at (415) 921-3636.

  With the exception of mourning for a parent who has died, the end of sheloshim marks the end of the mourning period—based on the 30-day cycle of time implicit in the Jewish lunar calendar.

• Shanah: If the deceased is a parent, the mourning period lasts 11 months following sheloshim. This is a way for children to express gratitude for everything their father or mother did for them as they were growing up, and to reflect on the values and beliefs imparted by their parents.

  During shanah, most activity returns to normal. Again, there are traditional restrictions against regarding festive occasions and large gatherings.

  During this period family members typically recite the Kaddish once a day at a synagogue that holds minyans. We have created a list of Bay Area minyans you may attend, but it is always best to call a synagogue to confirm times and locations.

  If you have any questions about a minyan—e.g., if you have concerns about participating in one or are not familiar with the meaning of this tradition or with the service itself—please contact your rabbi, or contact Sinai’s Mourner Care Program at (415) 921-3636.

  At the end of this 11-month period, one is no longer considered a mourner.